What the Marriage Books Didn't Tell Me

I know, another anniversary post. One can't get enough of this analytical cheese. 

Since I’m this ultra-reflective person who spends nearly half her life analyzing stuff, I of course took this anniversary opportunity to reflect a lot about marriage. And ask the most important question that I could think of – Did all those marriage prep books make a difference? 

HA. I confess that may not actually be the most important question one could ask on their first anniversary. But it's a valid one in my opinion. I am probably not alone in this, but I sure spent a lot of my teen years reading dating and marriage ‘how-to’s.  And then, keeping with the times, I upgraded to blogs and podcasts during my early 20's.  I've always wanted to be as knowledgeable and prepared as one can possibly be.

I think they (the authors of marriage books and blogs) do pretty great, except for one thing. They often forget to remind people like myself to just live and learn -- and put down the marriage books, for Pete’s sake. I think information-seekers such as myself tend to overdo it.  In the name of ultimate preparedness, I promptly accumulated assumptions and expectations about marriage that were somewhat deceived. 

(I hate to interrupt my roll here, but I just have to insert that if you never think ahead or if your marriage is getting little black spots like a rotten banana  – then it might be a good idea to hit those books faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle. This blog post doesn't really apply to you.)

Back to my assumptions and expectations...

Firstly, I assumed marriage was so much work that I’d be wiping my brow with relief when we had successfully gotten the first year under our belts. Right now the only relief I have is that my house has carpet and my closets have shelves.

I also was prepared that Vince and I would fight about all those petty differences like toothpaste tubes, socks on the floor, and what brand of mayonnaise to buy– because in general the books said most couples spend a lot of time sweating out the small stuff. Our differences are obvious and  obnoxious at times, but they didn't cause the marital rifts I was expecting.

The books said “you don’t really know someone until you marry with them.” That always scared the willies out of me. It's like, is he going to turn into a monster over night? I do feel truly sad for the wives whose husbands do turn into monsters. But (thank you Jesus) it appears as though it can go the other way too. I actually like Vince more living with him then I did not living with him. He’s much more enjoyable in small-every-day-doses then in large-weekend-doses every 3 weeks. 
 

Lastly, I feel like I got set up to compare. The material was mostly all good and healthy, but it formed this idea of what "the ideal marriage" should look like. And I would use that to evaluate us. It didn't take me too long (thank God) to realize that it's not any fun living your life simply to make a good impression on people. And that it's bloody awful trying to constantly live up to standards like that. I'm still learning this one, but it really is okay to just be real and normal ...and its okay if you're the only one who thinks your marriage is exceptional. Truth is, "the ideal marriage" comes in many different colors and stripes and scents. No book or blog will ever capture it. 

I think the bottom line here is that I’ve discovered that I enjoy life so much more when it's not textbook style. This marriage experience has taught me terrible much about putting down the books and going about it free-handly. Books and blogs are fantastic, and knowledge is power. But don’t ever let that get in your way of being deliciously real and down to earth about life.

Bottom line, if you’ve got God and a good sense of humor, you’ve got what it takes.