40 Days and 40 Nights

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Hi. My name is Gloria and I suffer from a distorted view of God. What’s your problem?

Ever since I read “Knowledge of the Holy” by A.W. Tozer in 2008, my distorted view of God was blown-up and completely re-arranged. It was the beginning of a new phase of my life. Then when I read “Abba’s Child” by B. Manning this past year, the truth I found in there once again shook its fist in the face of my collection of distortions about God. These books are not without fault, of course, but both have been huge in shaping my God-view, time and time again. Love them both. (Put them on your "must read" list if you haven’t already.) 

This morning I was feeling crummy in my spirit. I knew without a doubt that those distortions were once again playing havoc in my life. I knew I had sinned and failed God in some areas, but shame and self-hatred were immobilizing me from taking action. It was kind of like I wanted to hang on to my junk just because it felt safer than facing the reality of my brokenness. I lost my nerve and wanted to hide from God just like Adam and Eve did. But they are lousy role models when it comes to dealing with sin. I love how God calls us to come out of hiding, just like He did to Adam. He called them out on their attempts to cover up where they had made a mess of things. And neither is God fooled by any amount of “spiritual make-up” that I apply in an effort to make myself more presentable to Him.

As I spent the morning thinking about my distorted view of God and asking Him to clean up the mess I made,  I have come to the conclusion that I unintentionally assign God with my own attitudes and feelings towards myself. If I feel repulsed by my own flesh, then I apply that to God too. I think it's a common human problem. I like a quote by Blaise Pascal that sums that idea up. “God made man in his own image, and man returned the compliment.”

But here’s the thing - I can’t assume that He feels about me the way I feel about myself – UNLESS I love myself compassionately, intensely, and freely. That blows me away. “It takes profound conversion to accept that God is relentlessly tender and compassionate toward us just as we are – not in spite of our sins and faults (that would not be total acceptance) – but with them. Though God does not condone or sanction evil, He does not withhold His love because there is evil in us.” (Abba’s Child) As hard as this is for me to believe, its the most hopeful and exciting thing I can think about right now. 

In other news, the second most exciting thing I can think about right now is that I'm getting married in 40 days and 40 nights! I plan to think about Noah a lot during this time and try to imagine being cooped up in an ark the entire time. Well, probably I won't. But it was a cool thought.

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